My mind has been a busy place the last couple of weeks, full of decision making banter: guilt, guilt, excitement, nerves, guilt, denial – you name it, I’ve been there!
At the end of last school term I made a sudden, spontaneous return to the workforce. I slipped back quietly, surprising my friends at work; surprising my friends at home even more! D is home on Monday’s so it wasn’t a difficult decision – my babies get a day with dad all on their own, I get to feed L on my breaks and I come home to a cooked meal and the fridge full from a grocery shop! We made the spontaneous decision as it seemed easier that way, rather than me having time to become anxious and stressed about it. Win, win!! I really enjoyed my time at work. Don’t get me wrong, if I had a choice I would choose to be home but, as a way of topping up the Easter bank balance, work was a lot of fun.
That brings us to Term 2. Money running low and a need to work rather than it being a choice. Unfortunately there has been massive budget cuts at my work so it looks like the pool of available work is going to be quite small. I
want need to work 5 days a month – I’m not sure my current work, my comfort zone, my home for nearly a decade is going to be the place for this anymore. Eeek! I am faced with the very real possibility of having to apply for new jobs. On one hand this terrifies me- I waltzed out of uni into my current school and have never needed to venture into the wide world! On the other hand this is a really exciting prospect! So this is change 1 – a change in my routine and possibly a new job.
Change 2 involves little L and her commencement at childcare. C has continued to go once a week throughout L’s life and thrives there. She loves it. L started her orientation process today. As predicted, she loved it and didn’t blink the time I was gone. It is nicer second time round as you know all the faces, they know you and most importantly they know L, so a lot of time is spent chatting about C, carers gasping that L is nearly 8 months already etc etc. It is also nice that in the short time I was gone, C had already been visiting L. There is less of a feeling of abandonment when you know they have each other! It’s been a hard choice because I don’t want her there so young if I’m not working and as work is an unknown at the moment, I have battled with whether to leave her or not. Hopefully work falls into place and I’m not left
coffeeing alone, free from children having a marvelous time at the shops at home twiddling my thumbs, missing my babies terribly. I have gone from being excited for her – she is such a busy little bee that she will no doubt lap up the stimulation and new experiences- to the old classic mamma guilt and sadness. If the monkey would drink a bottle, life would be a little bit easier for us all!!
At moments like these you realize how much money totally sucks!!!! (how maturely written of me!!). We live a reasonably basic life disguised or rather crippled under a huge mortgage for a house we built with children in our minds. I like to buy my girls new things but am happy to sacrifice for myself to make that happen. Work for me is about covering the expenses, not living a lavish life – we made a decision that being home with one of us was more important than other life luxuries. We don’t skimp on food and I would hope the girls never feel that they miss out but we do it tight each month. So to maintain a lifestyle where C gets a new wardrobe with the change of season, we have a fridge full of food and petrol in the car, work for me is an unfortunate necessity.